On Gratitude Beyond Grief

When I was growing up in Puerto Rico, I was taught this poem fragment in elementary school, and I’ve never forgotten it. It’s by the Spanish poet Pedro Calderón de la Barca and I’ve translated it for you.

Cuentan de un sabio que un día
tan pobre y mísero estaba,
que sólo se sustentaba
de unas hierbas que cogía.
¿Habrá otro, entre sí decía,
más pobre y triste que yo?
y cuando el rostro volvió
halló la respuesta, viendo
que otro sabio iba cogiendo
las hierbas que él arrojó.

They tell of a man that once
so poor and miserable was he
that he only nourished himself
with some weeds he was collecting.
Is there anyone else, he mused,
poorer and sadder than me?
And when he turned his head
he found the answer seeing
that another sage was picking
the weeds he had rejected.

The end of October is marked in the United States by the celebration of Halloween and, in some Hispanic communities, “El Día de los Muertos” or the Day of the Dead. A few weeks later we observe Thanksgiving as we, the lucky ones, join our loved ones around a big table laden with all kinds of delicious foods and sweets and talk about the things we are most grateful for this year. Others, not so lucky, grieve the loss of special people in their lives, their health, their jobs, or their homes. Especially after the losses from natural disasters and the Covid epidemic this year, many may feel they don’t have a lot to be thankful for. But it is no coincidence that, at the time of the year when days are getting shorter and darker, we reflect on fear, death, fear of death, and gratefulness.

As I walk through life, I sometimes dwell on my losses, especially the deaths of my parents, brothers, sister-in-law, and other dear friends and relatives. I sometimes grieve the loss of my thirty-seven-year marriage, my big, beautiful house I had remodeled just nine months before I walked away from it, the dear friend who refuses to talk to me anymore because I wasn’t accessible to her after my father died, or the godparents of my child that simply disappeared from our lives without explanation. If I think about it, I have a lot of stories that I am not very grateful for.

But then, like the wise man above, I read the newspaper, listen to the news, or look around me, and the truth of my many blessings jumps out at me.

1.      My departed loved ones enriched my life for many years. Their memories keep me company when I’m lonely, or counsel me when I’m disconcerted.

2.      My marriage provided me with the opportunity to raise five beautiful children, travel, do volunteer work, and study. There were even instances of deep friendship, collaboration, and sweet intimacy.

3.      My apartment is much bigger, safer, better located, and nicer than the subhuman places some people call home.

4.      I have made new friends that have helped me when I broke my shoulder, gently encouraged me to write when I didn’t believe in my ability to do so, and regularly share their ups and downs with me.

5.      My five wise children and six delightful grandchildren fill my life with joy, pride, and tenderness.

I do have a lot to be grateful for! Do you?